Visit #3

So off to my 3rd visit I went and let me tell ya sitting in that waiting room to speak with the doctor for two minutes sucks but getting to actually hear the heat beat was one of the most amazing sounds ever! My little monster is growing and my tummy is showing it! Ahhh I don't wanna get fat :/

I didn't get an ultra sound this visit it was just one of those sound things but the doctor said everything seems to be going well now and I have gained 9 freaking pounds!! (Yes the whole getting fat thing makes me very sad) But there is an upside to it, means that even with all my puking and such I am getting the nutrition that I need to give to the baby so I am very happy with that. Throwing up has become second nature to me at this point, I hate it but when I need to do it I know it and I just let it happen rather then holding it back and making it worse. The smells have started to kick in, I can smell everything and if its not a good smell it makes me so sick I hate it! I want to tell so many people to go brush their teeth its awful cause I feel like there is no nice way of saying that. Oh well hopefully I will be able to get over it and just deal. Welp that's all the news I have for this time! I'm 12 weeks at this point! Two more visits and I get to find out what I am having eeek!!

Second Doctors Visit..

Monday has come and gone and I have a new ultra sound but yet I still don't feel that it is real. Besides the fact that I am more sick and emotional and broken out then I have ever been in my whole like I don't feel like there is a baby inside of me. Its so strange to think about but it is what it is, I will either get used to it or learn to live with it.

My sister came with me on this trip and it was amazing to have her there. She has always been there for me my whole life and taken care of me when ever I have needed her to. I trust her when it comes to my health more then anyone else so having her be with me made everything less stressful and far more exciting. I got to see the heart beating and it was amazing, helped me know that there really is something real inside me even if it does feel like a little monster eating me from the inside!

Everyone is getting more excited over this and Zach gets better every day, we were sitting on the couch the other day and I thought he was trying to just pick on me but he just wanted to put his hand on my tummy. Made me tear up I was so happy! I know he is going to be such a great daddy to our baby and it makes everything seem that much more exciting!

Starting to settle

My nerves have most definitely gone down and I am starting to be more comfortable with what is happening to me. I figured I need to keep up with my blog so that I can always look back and remember what i was going through when all this happened. So here goes!

It is official and doctor confirmed, there is a baby growing in my belly!! And none other then Zach Rossberg is the father :) We are both still very unsure about the whole thing and we don't really talk about it much, but he is being so supportive. I am having mood swings (My sister told me to remember that no matter what is going on its me with the problem and I will need to apologize) and crazy sickness. Most of the time its dry heaving that just wont stop but when I actually puke its awful.. Movies are such lies, being prego is not a glorious thing, its actually very yucky! I hope it gets better because if it stays this way I will be one unhappy person for the next 7 months!

So I am 7 weeks along! Due February 5, 2013.. My fingers are crossed that it is gonna be a little boy. I have actually thought of the most perfect name that I am completely in love with... Bentley Robert Rossberg.. I have yet to tell Zach this but he is gonna have to deal cause this child is popping out of me not him! Hahaha.. When it comes to girls names though I am completely clueless.... I don't even know where to start!! It will be a fail if I stay this stumped.

I broke the news to my parents and sister on fathers day.. wrote my dad a letter and he took it far better then I thought he would thankfully, my mother on the other hand is so concerned as of to when we are going to get married and all of that. I am in no rush to get married and I have my reasons, don't get me wrong I am in love with Zach and can not imagine being with anyone else for the rest of my life. But I do not want to force him to be with me, just because I am having his child does not mean he has to be with me. This happened and well we are going to deal with it. If he wants to be with me he will, if not life will go on.

I don't believe I have mentioned that Payton is also pregnant, so we get to suffer through this together and handle all of this craziness at the same time. its nice to have someone to talk to that is dealing with it and is so close. Keith hired us a trainer (Jay) so that we can stay healthy and also be able to be in great condition for when the child is born we will be able to shed all the baby weight very quickly. Which is at the top of my list because I want this body back right away! If my sister can be smaller after two kids so can I!! I want to be the mom that can keep up with my children running around the park and be back out doing all the sports things as soon as I can. I have realized that life is going to go on, this baby is not going to be the end of my fun. Its the start of new adventures honestly. I plan to raise this child to be an amazing individual and do something great with its life.

The only thing I have missing in my life right now is my best friend.. I'm not sure what is going on right now and why we seem to be drifting apart... I worry that she feels that because I am having a child I will be gone for good and I don't believe that to be the case. I want to still get out and enjoy life and have friends. I don't plan on leaving my child randomly at the parents house and going out to clubs and partying all night but I am with Zach, not much is going to change. Except for the fact that now I am going to want to go out even more.. The zoo, the park, the Aquarium, pumpkin patches, Gardner Village, Saturday market, Thanksgiving Point, Disney Land.. I could go on forever about the things I plan on doing with my baby and its god mother, my best friend. I want her there for it all, every last bit of it..

My Emotions

Its all slightly fuzzy already in my head and its only been a few hours. So here are a few details so I will never forget no matter what my choice is. The past few days I have been in so much pain thinking that my period is going to start or that I was having appendicitis.. Well today June 1st, 2012 I decided to take a lunch and grab a test to make sure that wasn't the reason for the pain before I ran up a high bill at the doctors over nothing... Well it turns out this is something, today I peed on a stick and within 5 seconds it showed pregnant.. Tears and more tears were all that was coming out of me. Just straight fear for what my future holds and how hard it is going to be no matter what choice I make. The hardest part about all of it is not knowing if Zach is ready for this or can even handle it. I fear he doesn't love me the way I want him to and I am only going to make things worse for his life by having a child. I love Zach and i couldn't imagine having a baby with any body else but this is not what I am ready for.. the first person to know about this was my best friend Morgan. As I shook uncontrollably I slowly typed out that I was pregnant.. Then my boss walked into my office and I burst into more tears.... then Keith... all of them being so supportive for me and making me know that I will be OK... But the worst part is yet to come... Telling Zach... Wish me luck, I'm going to need it...

Year 22..

Glitz & Glam were the ideals of the night, finally here I could barely breath with all of my excitment.. Its hard for me to believe now that I had dreaded my birthday for months and not because of my age but because what my birthday has always represented to me in my older years. I assumed this would just be another year of let down and going on as if I was just another face in the crowd, but it was nothing like that.

This year for my birthday we pulled out all the stops. I don't like being in a relationship for my birthday I like to be free and not have a care in the world and this year wasn't any different except for the fact I found love, real love.

As the days grew closer things just started to fall into place, tickets came to the event I so despretaly wanted to be at, a limo to get my faveys there and back became avaible.. What I wanted to wear was the most perfect and easy find.. It was basically perfect.

I got ready for the evening with the beautiful Payton & Morgan, we curled & crimped and caked our faces up! Our outfits were scandioulusly perfect but not over the top. I wore a very tight purple corset and silky black shorts that stayed on by a pair of suspenders that I fell in love with! knee high flat suade boots that allowed me to dance and run to my hearts content and tights with a sexy design to add that little extra to my look. Payton worked my hair to be wavey and fun with feathers random placed around my face, I was so excited I could barley sit still!

SHOTS. SHOTS. SHOTS. and plenty of them! Off to the limo to have our own mini party and drink more! Skrillex was to die for! I was everywhere the whole night, seeing people who I havent in far to long but always coming back to his side where I felt the happiest.. Everyone managed to survive, despite losing the offroading limo, and make it back in where the after party began and where I recieved the best birthday girl I ever could have asked for..... Apparently my eyes had been saying it for days but my heart wouldnt allow my lips to speak it, so he did.. at that moments everything around me went silent and all I could feel was the heat, it felt so good and so right that I completely forgot to breath. eyes locked in as I attempted to catch up to my racing heart and allowed myself to say it back.. Since that moment I have known what its like to touch your wildest dreams.. I still have yet to catch the beat of my heart espically when he is near, this feeling is what I want to feel for the rest of my life..

Best 22nd birthday a girl could ask for.

4 Months Later...

Life is a baffling experience and it tends to leave me wondering what if... Even if I am happy with the current state of my life I still wonder that.

I have known him for years and always had an interest in him and what it would be like to be "with him" but never did I think it could happen. First time I met him I was on his grounds, visiting a friend who lived with him and only for the weekend. We developed a friendship and talked all of the time, always stayed close but never actually saw each other. Invites were always passed to one another but never followed through... Then one day it just happened, he sparked the idea to go camping and I jumped on it. Nothing holding me back from following something I always had a curious thought to.....

I have no regrets to that choice, it has made me happier then I even imagined it would and has started me thinking about all the possibilities that could come from being with him. I have been against a family life for years and now that's what I want. I blame him for all the smiles and giggles and joyful memories that have happened over the past few months and I can not wait to see what else is in store for us....

Im stronger..

I was put here to be someone, to make everyday something to remember. I am not average, I am not typical, I am not boring. I came to win, survive, prosper, survive, rise, win..... I love with everything I have been given and will never regret my choices. My life is filled with people who want to be near me and accept me for who I am and what I stand for. I stand on tables when I am strong, fall to my knees when I need to be lifted up.. But I will never give up, I will never give in.. My soul is filled with a fearless strength and endless possibilities.. I have found love and I never want to let it go, I will fight for it everyday for the rest of my life...

I am me.