Friday, August 8, 2014
Be the change you wish to see
Sometimes in life you think that you are truly happy and then other times you feel as if you have hit rock bottom and you cant take anymore. I feel as if I have this struggle on a daily basis, I try so hard to only see the good in my life and be so happy but it is only ever short lived before the glass break and I'm in tears again. If I look back 5 years ago this is not the life I imagined I would be living. Its not that this is a bad life by no means, I have my amazing son that I wouldn't trade for anything and I have been so blessed with everything I have been given. But on the same hand I used to be so independent and had full control of my life, this I no longer have. My everyday life from where I work, what I drive, even to what I eat is dictated to fit Zach's life. I would never say that this is a bad thing because when you chose to be with someone for the rest of your life you share everything and combine your lives... Except for the fact that I feel like I have lost my life. I am no longer the carefree & happy girl I used to be. I am finding myself to be bitter and snappy at every little thing and I take anger out on Zach for just about everything. I have become a very cruel, unhappy, person.. That is not what or who I want to be. In my head I dream of the way things could be in my life and how had I done something different everything would be so much better. By doing that it has only made me more upset with my daily life. Change is so hard though, I wish I could find the courage to make something happen but then I never follow through. Its as if I'm afraid of what I can do. I know I can be a better and happier person but finding the courage to make it happen is harder then I could ever imagine. I don't want to put on that happy face and go on anymore but for the sake of my beautiful son I need to. But I do refuse to spend the rest of my life going on in misery. Its time to make a plan and change.. I believe I will be ok so long as I put myself together and stay strong. Here starts the new me. I am going to be that change I wish to see and no more holding back..